am i crazy ?

i ask myself that a number of times, i wouldn’t say a day, but a week? say, 5 or 6

but then i figured the fact that i can formulate the question evacuates the need for an answer

i don’t mind feeling crazy

when i say crazy i mean, between many states, hectic, when the outer pressure becomes overbearing to my inner organisation

when she talks of her toddler my sister says she ‘desorganises’ when she goes into a full blown crisis, the cause of which appears mysterious

i feel crazy when i feel the need to push back, regroup

i wonder if i could function any other way - i wonder but then i don’t, because i love that hot mess, the craze

we’ve been talking about this, with a friend as crazy as i am; the love of loving

perpetuating chaos and intensity, seeking fragile moments of despair, the gateway to a short-lived euphoria

i wonder is it worth it?

is it worth getting so close to the edge

i scratch my skin in spots you can’t see

i have obsessive eating habits, not to say a fine-tuned eating disorder

i spin anxieties around till i’m dizzy, from the deep existential stuff to completely ridiculous shit like is my washing machine too wide

i just got up and checked again

are worries all i’m made of?

are they my drive, my desire?

not having, then

wanting

i want i want i want i want and i work for it and then i

crash

crash so hard i wonder how i got

here why here

this far

i felt so good under the covers

the warmth